"Do You Want to be Right or Do You Want to be Happy?" That is the Question

"Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" That is the question.

I wrestled with this longer than was helpful. Our egos are good like that. This concept was so hard to wrap my mind around. What if I am right? Should I wish to be happy that I am wrong? Can’t I be both right and happy?

Come to find, at the end of the day, it didn’t matter if I was right because what I could see so clearly in someone else was myself. The phrase, “It takes one to know one,” really popped from this understanding. From attending the School of Hard Knocks and Humble Pie, I have concluded that my energy is much better spent looking for how I am similar than on making someone else wrong and/or bad. Cleaning up my own backyard makes me so much happier than pointing out someone else’s shortcomings.

Once I got the hang of this I could shift from feeling frustrated to feeling grateful as quickly as the snap of my fingers. Just by knowing something that irritates me somehow reflects me, shifts things. Focusing on what I do have the power to change is empowering. This concept is not case sensitive, but it does take practice to learn to trust it. I am always happy to know where I can do better and be better in love.

So how does one make this shift from right to happy, you are probably wondering? To follow is an example and a simple exercise to get things rolling. 

I call this “My Kayaking Story.” Some of you may know that Doug and I had some time apart and then came back together for a 2.0. 

At the beginning of our round 2 he had expressed wanting to take care of me this time and I had expressed wanting that too. But not because I was sick. 

On this particular morning I wanted to go kayaking. I was going to ask my friend, Sue, but decided to ask Doug if he’d like to join me instead. On his accepting my invitation I felt warm in my heart. I told him that I was going to take the pup for a quick walk and that I’d meet him down by the kayaks.

When I went through the basement to get to the kayaks I noticed that my lifejacket and paddle were still there. Huh, I kind of thought he’d grab them for me. I grabbed them for myself and on my way to the kayaks I noticed that mine was still upside down and covered and that his was… gone. A louder, HUH.

By the time I got my kayak situated in the water I was pissed. Was I right to be pissed? Would you have been pissed? Doesn’t matter. I just was. That Is what mattered. 

I hopped in my kayak and started paddling. I wasn’t even looking for Doug at this point. Under my breath I found myself saying, “I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to be her.” Paddle, paddle, slap, slap went my paddle.

Once I got enough of my anger out I could think to ask my higher self, “What’s my plank?”

The response I got was, “Have you ever been oblivious to Doug’s needs?”

"Ugh! Of course I have. I want to do better and be better."

When he caught up with me I wasn’t ready to share. Bruised egos take a hot minute to come back from. Later that afternoon I was making myself a snack. I almost didn’t think to ask if he would like some too, but I caught myself. He declined, but warmly thanked me for asking. Engaging him felt warm for me too.

At dinner I brought up our commitment for our 2.0.

Me: “You know how you said that you wanted to take care of me this time and I said I wanted that too?”

Doug: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, grabbing my lifejacket and paddle and uncovering my kayak while I walk the dog would be a great way to do that. Then when I get down to the water, we can be ready to go.”

If I hadn’t paddled out my frustration first, I’m pretty confident that our conversation would have gone much differently. In order to be right about my feelings I would have had to make him wrong. I might have told him someone else would have been thoughtful of my needs. I may have subconsciously not been thoughtful of his needs, in regard to the snack, and got my anger out that way. All that may have made my ego happy, but how could my heart ever be happy by making him feel bad? 

The following day I went kayaking again. This time I invited Sue to join me. When I got back Doug came out of nowhere to help me get my kayak out of the water. It felt sooo good! I remember thinking to myself, “This is what I’ve always wanted.” I bet fulfilling his commitment felt good for him too.

At this point I was versed in communication with my higher self. Hence, the question, “What’s my plank?” This little exercise I'm about to share helped me get to that point. 

When you feel the urge to paddle someone for their behavior, write down 2 or 3 sentences describing what happened that left you feeling so frustrated. This is where blaming someone for how you feel can be productive. It gets the feelings out. Roar! Then swap out their name for “I,” be open to how you might be unknowingly similar, and turn your focus there. If I were to have written 2-3 sentences they would have gone something like this (and if my story triggered you, try writing a few sentences yourself): 

Doug only thinks about himself. He doesn’t even think about me, or about how he can help me out.

I only think about myself. I don’t even think about him, or about how I can help him out.

"I don't want to do this. I don't want to be her," was right! Just not from the victim perspective I had pictured when I initially said it. And even if he wasn't sensitive to my needs, how could I ask him to do better if I was still oblivious? That would make me a hypocrite. My ego doesn’t want to think about how I may be similar. And in its effort to be right it may even try to justify the snack situation as being less of a big deal than his not grabbing my stuff for me. But let's face it, oblivious is oblivious. My heart is happy and humbled to know how I can do better. And rather than criticize Doug, I was able to help us fulfill our desire for him to take care of me in our 2.0 in more ways than I realized. Him helping me get my kayak out of the water the following day was a reflection of our growth. I get half credit. Happy, happy!

This shift in thinking was a game changer for our round 2. There is no skirting around anger when it arises. We have to feel our way through it to get to the heart of the matter. Literally or figuratively paddling someone's behind will never make our hearts happy. It can only serve to make us feel angrier and more anxious because when we blame others for our happiness or lack thereof, we can never relax and they will never be able to do it good enough, even if they wanted to, because it's not their job.

There were so many times in our 1.0 that I had made Doug wrong in my effort to feel better. Boy was that awareness humbling. At least I can give myself an "A" for effort. I've done the research, I've got the data, focusing only on being right leads to arrogance, not happiness. My hope is that you and your partner can figure this out while you are still together (or in any situation for that matter). If you are already apart, the good news is that it’s never too late for healing and it’s never too late for love. Our relationship is living proof. In the end, like me, you might even have to thank that person for putting up with you for as long as they did. What a plot twist.

Friends in this Love,

Trish

If your personal situation has escalated to crisis proportion seek out a crisis hotline for guidance. The healing and love can come after you are safe and don't need to involve the other person.  

To read more about "planks" visit my previous blog post... "What's My Plank?"

To schedule a session email trish@trishwhynot.com.