Are Your Methods for

Are Your Methods for "Doing Unto Others" Backfiring?

"The bravest people in this world are those who are willing to face their own shadows when they see them in others."
~Trish Whynot

Are your efforts to not hurt the feelings of others hurting them worse while, at the same time, rendering you untrustworthy?

There has been an epidemic of people suffering from the repercussions of their efforts to spare another's feelings lately. I don’t think that “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” was intended to mean abandon your heart because you want others to do that for you. I’d like to think that it means to find a way to be honest that is not hurtful.

In your efforts to spare another’s feelings have you ever:

  • poured yourself another glass of wine, or the like, in order to remain engaged in a conversation that you were otherwise ready to conclude? 
  • been of service to someone to the extreme that it was to the detriment of your being of service to your own family?  
  • given in to a sexual encounter because you know how it feels to be rejected and didn't want the other person to feel that way? 

Would you want others to do unto you in these ways?

Not only do these win-lose choices not serve ourselves or others, when we downplay or dismiss our needs and/or desires we are not in our integrity. Being dishonest with what is important to us makes us untrustworthy. And the repercussions of our untrustworthiness spread suffering to those we love the most.

Sometimes we have to not feel good about the person we are at the end of the day in order to realize that a behavior we have adopted is in need of revision. Fruit is telling. How else would we know?

Up until now you may not have even realized that you were sacrificing your own needs and/or desires when in fear of hurting someone’s feelings. You may have thought that this is just how maintaining connections and being of service works.

If sacrifice is your tendency when in fear of hurting someone's feelings it is better to say, "Let me get back to you" than to act on the spot. This will buy you some time to sort your feelings out from the other person’s first. If you act on the spot you are likely to be assuming and offering a sacrifice that will betray your own heart in your effort to spare theirs—sparing theirs at this point is really an effort to avoid the fruition of your own assumption. It is more cost effective for all involved for you to remove yourself from the situation for long enough to find a response that will honor both of you—a response that will let the other person down with honesty and love. Saying "No" does not have to foster feelings of rejection and hurt. It may bruise the ego but speaking the truth with love never hurts the heart.

When we don't lovingly let someone down it is often because we assume that our heart's desire (being different from theirs) will hurt them. Giving in to someone’s desire and abandoning your own leads them on and will eventually serve to frustrate you when they want more. You have set the precedence. Once you have led someone on it is easy to get stuck in the cycle. In the moment—when put on the spot—it seems easier to do what the other person wants again rather than to honor your heart because you don't have another plan. But it only serves to lead them on further. The worse you feel about yourself for leading them on the more likely you will be to perpetuate the cycle. It will be just a matter of time before the suffering you were trying to prevent explodes onto everyone in the vicinity—an explosion that could have been put to rest in its infancy by your honesty with yourself.

As the Turkish Proverb says, (with my addition of the forgiveness/apology element) "No matter how far you have gone on a wrong road, forgive yourself, apologize and turn back." 

So how could these situations have been handled in a way that you would want done unto you?

Rather than pour yourself another glass of wine:

  • if meeting at a neutral location or on the phone or Skype, you could acknowledge, “I've enjoyed our visit. It's late for me. I'm going to call it a night."
  • if someone has a tendency to overstay his or her welcome you can put a cap on their departure time in advance. Setting your cell phone alarm allows you to be completely present during the visit while remaining true to your time constraint.
  • meet at their place if giving them an end-of-visit time at your home is too big a first step.

Rather than be of service to someone at the detriment of your own family:

  • if you are feeling spread to thin but would have wanted to help under different circumstances you might say, "I would love to help if I didn't already have a full plate of my own." Trust that there are others who will step forward when you can’t.
  • invite the other person to brainstorm with you as to how both parties/families can be enhanced by the efforts.
  • if the request doesn't interest you, let them know that it's not your thing but to please keep you in the loop as a future reference.

Rather than give in to a sexual encounter:

  • excuse yourself to find your words for expressing that you value the relationship but just not in this way.
  • check in to see what physical intimacy means to you before responding to an invitation. If it doesn't align with your values you can respond with integrity by sharing your perspective.
  • if you realize that you have been leading someone on to fill your emptiness, forgive yourself, let them down as gently and honestly as you can and face your emptiness instead of perpetuating your pattern.

Would you appreciate the modeling of trustworthiness being done unto you?

Play win-win. Don’t change who you are to spare someone’s feelings. Honesty is a much healthier, cleaner and more noble means for maintaining connections. It takes awareness, bravery and discipline to face our own shadows when we see them in others. We assume with our own filters. If you don’t want someone to feel like you have in the past, heal it in yourself first. When you fear hurting someone because you have been hurt you burden him or her with your own suffering on top of the suffering that you are assuming they will encounter. You could be completely wrong. Sorting through your hurt feelings prior to responding and then seeking a response that honors both hearts will spread healing. Everyone encounters difficulty with trustworthiness at one time or another. There is nothing shameful about seeking professional counsel when you do. Seeking help when you are at a loss even serves to make you that much more trustworthy.

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Be brave. Lead with integrity. Face your own shadows first and then find a way to be honest that is kind. What you give comes back tenfold.

Friends in this Love,

Dr. Trish

 

Comments

  1. michele poulin says:

    I totally enjoyed that blog.It hit me close to home and helped me to rethink how I would handle myself next time I am in a situation that I know I no longer want to be in. Many times, I find myself just saying "yes I can" When clearing I can't or don't want to. Thanks for giving me food for thought..

    Reply
    1. Trish Whynot

      Thanks for commenting, Michele. Food for thought is always good. :)

      Reply
  2. Danielle says:

    Very helpful. I found myself in this situation in december and this is pretty much what I did, however, it didn’t work out for me and for the people involved who wouldn’t take no for an answer :( Next time I’ll make myself clear sooner ;)

    Reply
    1. Trish Whynot

      Thanks for sharing, Danielle. Practice makes perfect. It is always great to have a meditative do over after the fact and a meditation to declare your desire in advance when in the process of changing a pattern. Our fears around honoring ourselves sometimes need to be faced as well.

      Reply
  3. Tracy

    Absolutely excellent article Dr.Trish. Thank you for this. I really enjoyed how you showed the whole future of doing this once, and the road it leads down, to really illustrate the whole cascade. I really needed this. A nice gentle reminder. Very timely, and very important. Thank you so much :-)

    Love,

    Tracy

    Reply
    1. Trish Whynot

      Thanks for your feedback, Tracy. It's always appreciated! Glad my post was received as both gentle and timely!

      Reply
  4. Julie says:

    Trish,

    Your newsletters are as timely as ever! Thank you for this, it is exactly where I am today. Apparently this has been astumbling block for years. Finding the positive win-win is a wonderful new goal. : )

    Reply
    1. Trish Whynot

      Win-win is a great goal! It opens doors to new ways of thinking. Thanks for commenting, Julie!

      Reply
  5. Susi says:

    Excellent article. I find the basis for any denial of self is fear. At least it is for me. Working on this as well. The article hit home. Thanks.

    Reply
    1. Trish Whynot

      I agree, Susi! Thanks for commenting!

      Reply
  6. Laura says:

    Wow! I don't know how you do it Dr. Trish but you're like that special decoder ring everyone wants to find in the box of Lucky Charms! It never ceases to amaze me how easily and eloquently you can expose the true root cause of a problem, and do so in such a way that creates hope and excitement. Many a days I feel like I’m walking around with a tack stuck in my foot, spending endless resources trying to treat the pain – lotions, potions, creams, soothing words, all to no avail. And then you come along and say, “Hey, why not just take the tack out of your foot?” Genus! Certainly not to say the tack is always easy to remove, or that I won’t step on it again (many times), but you always motivate me to keep trying and I desperately needed that inspiration today. Thank you for taking the time to write this post! I am so grateful… :)

    Reply
    1. Trish Whynot

      Wow! Laura! Thanks for the huge compliment. I am deeply humbled and inspired to continue writing! Hugs! :)

      Reply

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