Have you ever been thrown under the bus?
It really hurts.
When someone throws you under the bus, it is usually in their effort to be liked or to obtain value from a third party. It is immature behavior but how else can we know what needs maturing but by giving life our best shot and making mistakes?
One of my dearest friends recently threw me under the bus and it got me thinking about Rita Mae Brown's quote, " The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself." I can't speak for that friend, nor do I want to waste precious energy on assumptions. I haven't walked in his shoes so I don't know what he was thinking or feeling when he made his choice. His motivation is his homework not mine, but if he conformed he is likely to not be liking himself very much about now.
Initially his immature behavior triggered mine. Betrayal is a violation of boundaries and in my horror I responded with my own immature 4-letter-word version of "take your shame and shove it."
Can you relate?
My knee jerk reaction showed that I harbor some history here. Anger is a heads up that our boundaries have been violated but there are more mature ways to express it. Returning the violation does not contribute to anyone's healing.
Because I know that the domino effect of suffering is completely unproductive, I chose to stand my domino back up and to turn it toward breaking the chain of suffering instead of its spread. If I didn't break the chain my hurt would eventually spill over onto someone else or, if I held it in, it could eventually hurt me. In other words I would become the perpetrator of betrayal just like my friend. My knee jerk response revealed that potential.
So how do you break the chain?
By utilizing the discomfort as fuel for accessing any other similarly painful experiences in our own history that were triggered by the betrayal. My past history along with desires for my future are what put me in the line of fire in that moment. In order to have high desires for our future we have to heal our past. Finding ourselves in the line of fire of a tipping domino will bring up what is ready for closure. As a rule when discomfort is triggered only about 10-20% is from the current situation and the other 80-90% is old stuff that bubbles to the surface for us to address. Once I was into my healing I was able to apologize for my lack of grace, explain the reason for it and how I had grown/matured because of it.
I will know when I have completely forgiven because only love and gratitude will remain in my heart for this friend who, in his awkwardness, showed me where I was in need of healing and where I had been conforming. This doesn't mean that I condone his hurtful behavior. He has some explaining to do and following my soul searching, so do I. At this point I'm not sure if we will ever share a meal together again but I know for certain that I won't be betraying my soul or my standards in order to do so. Sometimes someone's awkwardness is just what we need to get out of a rut and fortunately forgiveness only requires reconciliation with yourself.
Well this trip under the bus is proving to be a rich one. As the saying goes, "What are friends for?" To help us heal and grow. Some for a reason, some for a season and a rare few for a lifetime.
Friends in this love,
Dr. Trish
