The other day a client brought up the topic of vulnerability. She thought it meant being comfortable sharing sensitive information with a wide variety of people in her circle, or even with people she didn't know. She admitted that this can also be a stupid thing to do, especially since she had gotten burned by doing it.
Vulnerability is honesty without a warranty. It has lots of facets, sharing sensitive info being one. But with who and why do we share our secrets?
Angela’s significant other, Damian, had been pressuring her to share some details regarding a previous relationship. She reluctantly gave in but when they broke up 4 years later, Damian, in his bitterness, made her sharing public knowledge by emailing her story to 10+ of her friends. He used her vulnerability as a weapon to hurt her with.
Doesn’t everyone have a skeleton or 2 in their closet--something we did in a weak or ignorant moment that we regret? Have you ever shared a skeleton and had it come back to haunt you? Do you know someone who has? Have you been the untrustworthy bitter one?
Someone who is pressuring us isn’t being intimate; they are being invasive and insensitive. Damian used the excuse, “As boyfriend and girlfriend there should be no secrets between us,” to manipulate Angela into sharing. Transparency is all well and good in the safety of a mature love, but someone who believes the security of a relationship is dependent on their partner’s sharing before they are ready is not mature. Under Angela’s circumstances it would have been more vulnerable to admit that the pressure was making her afraid to share than to share.
There is always a risk with vulnerability. It will weed people out of your life. Those who establish an opinion of you based on a rumor have some growing up to do and someone who pushes you to prematurely share is revealing their own immaturity in the trust department.
Angela’s intuition said, “Don’t share,” but her fear of losing Damian for holding back spoke, "Share" more loudly. In hindsight what happened is no surprise. Sharing may have shut Damian up and kept him in her life for a bit longer, but admitting to her reluctance would have been a more honest response. In this case Angela learned that “No” would have been more vulnerable and less painful than “Yes.”
The skeleton showed up because it was ready to come out of the closet but perhaps opening the door in the safety of a counseling session would have been a better choice. And saying “I'm not ready” to Damian could have been his invitation to the couch as well.
Some questions to ask yourself before sharing vulnerably:
- Am I feeling pressured?
- Would sharing or not sharing be more vulnerable?
- What would be the point of my sharing?
- Am I seeking to heal and grow or do I have an ulterior motive? (Such as will my sharing get others to pity me, boost my ego, or get others off my back?)
- Is this potential confidant emotionally mature, trustworthy and wise enough to hold the space for my healing and growth?
Stay tuned for more on what it means to be vulnerable. I'd love to hear any stories you think others could draw from and/or your thoughts on vulnerability.
Friends in this Love,
Dr. Trish
