Why is it that sometimes an encounter touches us so deeply that we have to put it aside until we are able to fully digest its majesty?
A few months ago I had one of those encounters and I promised myself that I would write about it when I was ready.
My encounter involved my cancellation policy. The client involved has given me permission to share and even requested his fictitious name to be Alex, so Alex it is.
Alex contacted me via email less than 24 hours before our session with a request to reschedule:
September 11, 4:08 PM
Hi Dr. Trish;
My dad just fell on the tennis court. He is OK but hurt his ribs, shoulder and elbow. I suspect strongly I'll be needed tomorrow and would like to reschedule our session.
Best always,
Alex
His email didn’t sit well with me. When something doesn't sit well with us, if it should or if it shouldn’t isn't the issue. It just didn't and since I am Trish Whynot, it was time to be vulnerable and feel my way through to the highest and best decision. The way I do this is by letting my thoughts free flow out without judgment.
Alex had been coming to me for his personal and professional growth for some time. This was out of character for him. He usually offers to honor my cancellation policy and knows that I go out of my way to be fair with it. I’m not a fan of being put on the spot to enforce it. I do make exceptions for emergencies and other synchronicities, but was this an emergency? Could a synchronicity be on its way so I won’t have to be the enforcer? Would abandoning my policy do more harm than good? More often than not we do our sessions over the phone, his session was not until tomorrow, the timing was most likely beneficial and he could even do it from his dad’s if need be. I do enjoy him as a client. I don’t want to lose him. But what would our work together look like if I disrespected myself in order to keep him? I wanted to care but I didn't want to carry.
Hmm… what would be the win-win—the decision where everyone’s needs are met with harm to none—mine, Alex’s, his dad’s, and anyone else involved whom I might have missed? Since I didn’t know, I decided to sleep on it before responding.
Interestingly enough the win-win idea that came to me was to do something a little out of character for me…
September 12, 9:23 AM
Sorry to hear this Alex. Since it's short notice would you like to offer the session to Sonya?
Best,
Dr. T
My policy states that sessions are not transferable but since Alex and Sonya are friends and respectful clients I thought that trading sessions could be a viable option.
Alex’s response:
September 12, 9:28 AM
Hi. Understood. She is swamped trying to finish up some work prior to taking Thurs, Fri and Mon off. Dad is having an X-ray now and depending on outcome I may be able to dial in. I will let you know in an hour or so.
Alex
In the end, the x-rays revealed that his dad’s injuries weren’t serious so Alex was even able to come into the office for his session.
Alex had struggled with discerning the boundary between caring and carrying and had made huge strides. I sensed that there was a gift in our exchange. I initiated our session by sharing what it had brought up for me and how in the end I believed in my heart of hearts that I was caring (holding the space for him) versus carrying (taking responsibility for him) with my choice. I believed it to be the most loving thing to do and that was what mattered most to me, even if it meant losing him as a client.
Alex shared his side of the journey. He was experiencing his own struggles with discerning between caring and carrying with his dad, coupled with recently having chosen a new career path that generated less income, and he had forgotten about the potential for a win-win amidst the chaos.
We explored the energy of caring versus carrying and discovered that if Alex were to give his time and energy to his dad (carry) and ask me to give my time and energy to him, a debt trickles down the chain. Compare this to your boss coming in late due to an emergency, your pay being docked for those hours, then something suffers in your life because your pay was docked, etc., etc. Carrying displaces debt. Because it is born of a win-lose mentality--it spreads suffering. There is no displaced debt with caring. If your boss has an emergency you care but you don't volunteer to not get paid. It doesn't even make sense to offer.
Alex shared:
“Where I was not true to myself, or you, was in my fishing for fee forgiveness in the phrasing of my email that did not acknowledge that I was inside of the notice period and would incur the charge. Instead I asked for rescheduling thinking that you might flex your rules given Dad’s situation.”
This turned out to be a hands-on workshop. Rather than discuss caring versus carrying, we got to explore how its energy flows. We also got to explore how money is just an energy and what happens when we give it too much power. Alex got to practice what he had been learning in the moment with me. And I got to practice what I preach on a professional level in the moment with him.
This was definitely more of a win-win than I could ever have wrapped my mind around. It was healing and eye-opening for both of us. It is so fun and powerful when two people are willing to seek understanding together. My policy isn’t black and white, it’s about holding the space for the highest outcome. It is interesting to watch the energy of caring flow into a new win-win when someone cancels. Often there is a synchronicity such as another client calling and filling the slot or me being tired and welcoming the cancellation. Sometimes the slot doesn’t fill, I’ve now got a gap in my day and the client welcomes the opportunity to compensate me for the time I set aside, sometimes it's an opportunity to practice forgiveness and sometimes the circumstances are the setup for a great session as it was with Alex. It’s so easy to take responsibility—carry—and absorb the loss when we hear “injury.” All I know is that Alex's dad's injury was a better case scenario than expected and that we had this healing experience.
- Do you tend toward caring or carrying?
- Does your relationship with money restrict its flow?
- Might this be a good time to revisit the premise for your cancellation policy?
Friends in this Love,
Dr. Trish
