Mind Your P's and Boundaries

Mind Your P's and Boundaries

My fascination with boundaries began in my childhood when I would get blamed for how my parents were feeling. In an exasperated moment my mother once said, “I hope you have a child just like you.” God presented me with 3 opportunities for restitution. It's true; third time is a charm. 

“Life can only be understood backwards but it must be lived forward.” 

~Søren Kierkegaard

I had to fight to play field hockey. Fortunately all my pestering paid off. My parents' investment in my braces was their excuse so I offered to wear a mouth guard. They wouldn't come watch but at least I got to play. When I began dating someone, whose company I truly enjoyed, they cut back my curfew from 11pm or sometimes midnight to 10pm. I could out swim all my friends but I was the only one who had to wear a lifejacket.

Could these boundaries have been for my own good? Maybe in my parents' definition, but I wasn't feeling the love. It felt more like an undermining of my happiness. This was one of those things that had to be understood backwards.

Have you ever vowed to parent differently than you were parented?

I did. And it turned out to be quite a humbling road trip. Initially my tendency was to give my children too much freedom; to be on the standoffish side. Punishment wasn’t working either.

I vividly remember standing at the ironing board praying as a young mother. Praying as in talking to God. Well, looking back I can see that I was admitting to my struggle and that some “One” responded. “I am my mother!” was the caption to the picture I had painted.

In my vow to parent differently how had I become just like them, you might be asking?

I hated being controlled. I didn’t want my kids to hate me so I had given them too much freedom. (Remember, life is understood backwards.) I feared losing their love for giving them boundaries while my parents had feared loss in their own way too. Their control over me had created the very distance they were attempting to avoid—maybe not the way they had pictured but it created distance between us all the same.

35 years later I can see that my parents really just wanted me to be safe, healthy and thriving. But rather than be clear with these desires for me, they had inadvertently controlled me to avoid potential suffering. My parents' version of boundary-setting was negativeit focused on telling me what to do in order to prevent what they didn't want. They didn't know what we know now... what we focus on is what we create.

I had been seeking guidance. I wanted to excel as a parent. I wanted my kids to be happy and to feel loved. I had taken a parenting class offered by a psychologist at my children’s elementary school prior to that day at the ironing board. I had even shared my struggle with the psychologist but he could provide no suggestions for relief. That series of classes only served to send me further into pursuit of a healthy way to parent.

I was an only child so when my kids would fight I’d ask my husband, “Are they supposed to treat each other like this?” I guess I expected that my 3 children would be grateful for each other as I would have been to have had a sibling. It wasn’t all the time but the way they treated each other at times disturbed me. It disturbed me enough to seek out a family counselor. She didn’t see much of a problem. She taught the kids about personal space, reminded my husband and I of the importance of being on the same team and sent us on our way.

If you picture a pendulum swinging, the extremes are the opposites. My vow was to parent nothing like my mother but I became just like her by swinging in the opposite direction. She controlled aggressively while I controlled passively. I had learned to fear loss rather than to love.

My desire for healthy parenting eventually landed me in that place of equilibrium in the middle of the pendulum swing. I learned to give my children age appropriate boundariesboundaries that were in support of them feeling happy with themselves and loved. Within their boundaries they were able to practice making decisions. In hindsight you could say that the Whynot School for Healthy Decision-Making emerged from my efforts.

When my generation was told what to do and asked “Why?” or “Why not?” the response we often got was, “Because I said so.” What we were asking for was how our parents had come to their decision. If you can relate to this upbringing it is likely that you weren’t taught to make decisions either. You also likely got punished when you tried and it didn’t go so well. No wonder so many adults go into fear paralysis when it’s decision-making time.

Sometimes it takes a battle in order to realize that boundaries are in order.

When my kids were in early elementary school they wanted to pick out their own clothes. After a few battles I designated drawers that were school appropriate. Those were the boundaries and within those boundaries they were allowed to decide what to wear. Making choices is empowering. It is a skill that requires development and practice.

When my oldest daughter joined softball the other two had to come to her games. They were too young for it to be optional but within that boundary they had a choice. “You can go and make the most of it or go and be miserable but you have to go to the softball game because you are too young to stay home alone.” I let them know that I could get in trouble with the police for leaving them home by themselves so they knew that there were rules that I had to follow too. I also let them know that if it were my choice, I’d choose to make the most of it.

The ideas that pop into your head when you want your kids to be happy and feel loved are so different than those that come in response to a desire to avoid suffering.

Children mature differently so what might be age appropriate for one may not be for the other. Since I’d be the one to set the boundaries or realize that none had been set, it became a learning ground for me too. Sometimes I’d give them more freedom than they could handle and need to reel it in a little. There’s only one way to know—to give it a try. It wouldn’t have been fair to punish them for my best guess. Besides, I had already tried that enough times to know that it didn't work. Sorry kids, for my not-so-great attempts at parenting.

I have yet to find any learning, healing or growth that accompanies punishment beyond learning to not get punished or to not get caught.

When my youngest daughter was in middle school she got in a little over her head with friends. She admitted that she didn’t know how to say, “no,” to them. How could I help her? We decided that if she found herself in a similar predicament in the future, that she could look at her watch, tell her friends that she needed to call me, and I’d tell her that it was time to come home. She just needed a little bridge in order to become comfortable with being true to herself. By the time she was in high school she was pretty graced at honoring herself and her peers respected her for it too. 

"True teachers use themselves as bridges over which they invite their students to cross; then, having facilitated their crossing, joyfully collapse, encouraging them to create bridges of their own." ~Nikos Kazantzakis

My children have long since graduated from the Whynot School for Healthy Decision-Making.
They encounter challenges just like everyone else but overall they are happy, thriving and two are even parenting now. I used to tell them, “Learn from what we did that was great, learn from what we did that wasn’t so great; and be all the better for it.” I can honestly say that I have grown to be grateful for both my parents' great and not-so-great efforts. Now it’s my children's turn to put that philosophy into practice. It will be interesting to see how the pendulum swings, what they vowed to never do that my husband and I did, and what the curriculum will be at these new campuses. I'll be on the sidelines enjoying grandparent status and cheering them on.
 
My hope is that this post sparks some creativity in those of you who are striving to be your best parent-self and/or offers some relief, to those who were controlled as children. Let me know if I can be of further assistance. I have a lot more examples and can provide much more depth and vision for those who strive to make the most of being a parent and/or heal their past. Parenting is one of the most rewarding vocations, an incredible avenue for personal and/or spiritual healing and growth and damn challenging at times. You can count on kids to bring up your stuff but it’s up to you to take it from there so your kids can be kids rather than janitors to your past history. If you find that you've been someone's janitor, start swinging (pendulum style) and don't stop until you find that healthy place in the middlethat may just be what you came here to teach.
 
Friends in this Love,

Dr. Trish

 

Comments

  1. michele poulin says:

    Trish ...great article. Boy ,could I relate to your upbringing..Being the oldest of the Morin gang , I was ruled by my fathers iron fist and strict rules n regulations. I couldn't go to a drive in movie till I was married. (that's the truth). Parenting my four kids, had more then its share of challenges . And each one turned out to be uniquely different, with more proud moments then not. Trish, its a tribute to both you and Doug that your adult children and now grandchildren hang around with you up to the lake, and I am sure at home..How lucky are we that they don't run in the opposite direction We must of done something right.

    Reply
    1. Trish Whynot

      Thank you Michelle! We've come a long way! :)

      Reply
  2. Terry Morose says:

    Trish, nice article with photos. I've had the pleasure of getting to know your children a bit and I can tell that overall (hey.. we aren't perfect) you and your husband did a great job parenting. You passed along terrific words of wisdom for the frustrated mother or father who is experiencing the challenge of being responsible 24x7 to help shape their children into responsible, caring adults.

    Reply
    1. Trish Whynot

      Passing on what i learned and how I learned it was my goal. Thanks for the validation!

      Reply
  3. Laura says:

    I can totally relate to this article!

    Thanks for sharing!

    -lw

    Reply
    1. Trish Whynot

      Cool! Great to know. :)

      Reply
  4. Joyce De Fazio says:

    A terrific article with great insight and forethought. You brought back a flood of memories. Our parents came from the same mold of rearing....fear, punishment and control, but lacking in showing love. I vowed to not say, "because I said so" and took the time to explain. I also vowed to say and show "I love you." Today my children are married with children and I am enjoying them all and their learning.

    Thank you Trish for your book "Whynot" and your articles that I immensely enjoy.

    Blessings to you and yours,

    Joyce De Fazio

    Reply
    1. Trish Whynot

      Thanks for posting Joyce! I'm picturing lots of love floating around you and your loved ones and spreading beyond during the holidays.

      Enjoy!

      Trish

      Reply

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