Holding On is What Hurts

Holding On is What Hurts

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you've been hurt by an intimate partner (maybe even repeatedly) and he/she doesn't want to resolve it with you?

Where do you go from there?

2 years ago to the day, I posted, "The Path of a Diminishing Proverbial Spark: How Relationships Go Sour." Maybe it's a fall thing. The leaves falling from the trees bring to awareness those relationships that we won't allow to organically run their course--the ones where we choose to let go of a piece of ourselves rather than let go of someone else.

What causes us to hold on--to defy nature?

Fear-of-loss causes us to defy nature; not love. I'm not suggesting divorce or that you attempt to resolve an issue that rocks you to your core by yourself. When emotionally charged you are likely too close to the situation to see it with clarity. If your partner has been hurtful ("hurt people hurt people") and you have been rocked to your core (hurt people get hurt) you are likely to be judging each other's behavior rather than seeing that you are both hurting. Times like these are when trained, compassionate, unbiased professional counsel is a Godsend. (Be clear on what you desire from a counselor. If you want one to hold the space for your highest learning, healing and growth you must ask for that.)

From my personal and professional experience, when we let things go without resolution they can only serve to act as an ingredient to a stew that will eventually brew to crisis proportion. You hope your conflict won't rear its ugly head again but this kind of wishful thinking is fear-based as well. Without resolution a recurrence is inevitable. I see it all the time. It's possible and maybe even likely to recur with resolution but as described in the poem, "Autobiography in Five Short Chapters" by Portia Nelson, it becomes less and less of an issue each time it is confronted. That is growth-through-love in action. Avoidance can only serve for it to become more and more of an issue.

Can you think of a recurring issue in your relationship?

By the time a couple finds their way to my office there is usually so much unfinished business between them that their hearts can't see each other. One partner may be in denial but the one who had the courage to make the appointment knows without a doubt that they are in trouble. And 99.9% of the time the issue isn't at all what either of them was thinking.

As adults, as a rule, when emotions are triggered only about 10-20% has to do with the current situation while the other 80-90% is our unfinished business coming to the surface for reexamination and closure. It's our pot of ingredients getting stirred. This is why sometimes we feel more than a situation should warrant -- because there are other ingredients lurking in the pot.

Intimate relationships, those people in your life who you allow to touch you most deeply have more of an opportunity to trigger your 80-90% than those who are acquaintances. Intimacy by nature allows another greater and more frequent access to your heart and vice versa. The part of the relationship that is most often underutilized is the growth-through-love part--utilizing the relationship as a place where both parties can feel safe enough to expose the scars of their humanity without shame.

"For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."
~Matthew 18:20.

Hurtful behavior is the fruit of a scar. It takes education, practice, and sometimes a third party to provide safety when the issue is super sensitive, but the learning, healing and growth--the light of truth and love--that emerges with this level of reconciliation can only serve to deepen the intimacy between the partners, within themselves and ultimately with Spirit.

A relationship is a stairway to the heavens.

If you've ever had an intimate partner who is unwilling to go all the way with you mentally, emotionally and spiritually in the dark times as well as in the light, eventually there will be no place to go. 

Have you ever gotten to the point where it all appears dark due to repeatedly sacrificing resolution? Dark as in all you can see is what you don't like about the other person?

Along with sacrificing resolution you sacrifice a part of yourself each time. Sacrificing is a means for holding on. It creates resentment. A partner's choice to hurt you (their not good enough in action) followed by a refusal to reconcile can trigger multiple not good enough buttons in you if you have them, as in bring up existing feelings of worthlessness. It also tempts you to want to accuse them of not doing good enough by you which can only serve to perpetuate the worthless cycle. More darkness.

A refusal to reconcile feels much like getting a door slammed in your face. It adds insult to injury. When an issue is tender and you drop it because your intimate partner won't reconcile, it is easy to end up in a tangled  not good enough web of codependency. Resolving why you took their behavior personally is a viable option to codependency.

I have heard multiple versions of the story I'm about to share. The names and circumstances have been changed for confidentiality but the essence is in tact.

Suzanne had been preoccupied with some family business for the last few months and Troy had been feeling neglected. A woman co-worker invites him to open up and Troy's neglected self is awakened by the attention. She was someone he could talk to and he began to look forward to seeing her. The attention would feel great in the moment but then he'd feel shame for his delight. In his confusion he becomes secretive, Suzanne catches wind that he has been enjoying conversation with another woman and I get a phone call.

Nagging, judging, blaming and condemning--all of which deter intimacy--are a heads up that you are holding on. Suzanne's findings had rocked her to her core. By helping her to put herself in Troy's shoes, she realized that she wouldn't feel safe to open up if confronted with judgment, blame and condemnation either. It also became clear that she was feeling more than the situation warranted and that Troy agreeing to never talk to his co-worker again could only serve to deepen her co-dependency, not intimacy. Suzanne had to let go of her need for Troy to change for her and to invite him to change along with her instead.

The cool part was that Suzanne had been desiring deeper intimacy with Troy and what this stirred up from their pasts was just the reconciling that needed to be done within themselves in order to take their love to new heights. Troy's feelings of neglect and Suzanne's feelings of betrayal had roots that went all the way back to their childhoods. Their coping skills for avoiding these feelings were destructive to the intimacy for which they both longed. Their healing liberated them from some of their fears of being neglected and betrayed and their sharing deepened the intimacy between them. They may fall into the hole a few more times as "Autobiography in Five Short Chapters" implies, but each time will be less charged if they both utilize the situation as a healing opportunity rather than a bone of contention. Healing opportunities replace hurt with healing and growth. Bones of contention add more hurt.

Sometimes we have to delve deeper in order to soar higher.

Healing. When an issue has been ongoing in a current relationship and/or it has roots in other places, the straw that breaks the camel's back may render you rocked to your core, raw, resentful and easily triggered. Expecting to be able to heal while in the company of the offender is not unlike sending a drug addict back into the crack house to come clean. It's too hard. Sometimes you have to separate yourself (in some way) for long enough to heal your wounds and gain your strength back. And if you are too fearful to separate, admitting to yourself that you are too fearful is progress.

When an issue is supercharged, separating yourself to resolve your history provides the clarity necessary to make more healthy, loving, honest and thoughtful decisions moving forward. It also provides your offender with reflection time. Staying close when you are raw can actually cause more damage than good because your reactiveness can only serve to add more hurt and shame.

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
~Mark Twain

When you allow reconciliation to be optional rather than a priority, in a matter of time you will feel like the option rather than the priority. Sacrificing reconciliation can only serve toward your being abandoned by the one you chose to sacrifice reconciliation for. It also denies God access to your heart.

I ask this with the utmost sensitivity, Wasn't abandonment what you were secretly (even secret from yourself) expecting when you chose to sacrifice? Wasn't it what you were trying to avoid, hence expecting?

Seek, even secretly, and ye shall find. Simply stated, if you're expecting to be abandoned you will find someone to abandon you. That's why holding on doesn't work.

It's unrealistic to expect that you will never be hurt or hurt someone and more realistic to have some spiritual rafting skills for navigating through the white waters of life for treasure when turbulence shows up. Without conflict resolution partners in love will deteriorate into friends with benefits; then just benefits or just friends, and eventually to ships passing in the night. If you desire head-to-toe intimacy--intimacy physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually--conflict resolution skills and a supportive counselor are paramount. They are paramount to honoring, respecting and cherishing the integrity of both parties and the relationship, and to inviting God in to work His/Her magic in support of your desire to purify your heart, deepen intimacy and reach for Love. Conflict resolution keeps a relationship clean, maintains a shining spark, grows love, heals, deepens intimacy and keeps its participants thriving with faith and trust in a greater Love rather than with a need to hold on.

"You only lose what you cling to."
~Buddha 

Rather than engage in a not-good-enough fest, why not attempt to get to know each other better instead?

Friends in this Love,
Dr. Trish

The following chapters in Why Me? Why Now? Why Not? Finding Opportunities in Your Obstacles touch on how to separate and come back together in a healthy way, accessing the other 80-90%, and understanding what happens when we lean a little too heavily on someone: Coffee, Crystals and Empowerment, Why Can't I Just Get Over It?, and Who's Tickling My Face? Steps for Grieving the Loss of a Pet.

Ordering info for paperback and electronic versions is on our home page.

Comments

  1. Halo Lin Dar says:

    Very insightful and helpful, this essay tells the importance of being able to maintain some space, get help where needed, make yourself a priority rather than an option in a relationship, but most of all finding real intimacy with yourself and another. Well done!

    Reply
    1. Trish Whynot says:

      Thank you! And thanks for the well done synopsis. :)

      Reply

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