A client was frustrated with her significant other because he has trouble disciplining (setting boundaries with) their son. Carol complains that Joe doesn't discipline him enough while Joe complains that Carol doesn't play with him enough. She's overcompensating on the discipline side and he's overcompensating on the play side and neither are happy about the arrangement.
(Shared with permission and fictitious names for confidentiality.)
Koda is there with us and I have noticed that if someone's "not good enough" is up that Koda vies for attention. It becomes a competition between him and the client and it's always something for us to draw from. So in this session, Koda wants us to stop what we are doing and play with him. The very source of Carol's struggle with her son. How interesting.
I announce to Carol that we are going to give Koda the few minutes of attention he needs. During this time we discuss how stopping and giving him a little undivided attention, as with children, goes a long way.
We go for a little walk, play some fetch and he goes down for a nap.
As we further unravel the situation, Carol admits that she feels shame for not knowing how to enjoy her son at play. There are things she enjoys doing with him but playing is challenging and she admits that it's easier to just let Joe do it. Just like discipline is challenging for Joe and easier to leave to Carol. Her barrier into playtime isn't so easy to cross and we imagine that Joe might have a similar barrier to cross too. Carol realizes that she has been asking Joe to do something that she hasn't even figured out how to do herself--to address a barrier.
With this understanding Carol's defenses fall away. Her energy softens. It is as though she is seeing herself and Joe for the first time. She is seeing the real people underneath the power struggle and how they have similar challenges and feel similarly. She felt shame for not knowing how to enjoy playing with her son and realized that maybe her husband feels shame for not knowing how to discipline him.
Admitting to the shame is the first step to crossing the barrier. Their differences were only that her "not good enough" was revealed at playtime and his was revealed at discipline time. Once admitting to the shame she could see that there is nothing shameful or "not good enough" about coming across a barrier. It is just information.
At the moment when her defenses fell away Koda perked up from a sound sleep, ran across the office, jumped into her lap, put his little paws on her chest and proceeded to lick her. Good thing he's only 7lbs and doesn't shed since she was wearing black. Carol was tickled and thrilled by the sudden affection but curious so we retraced our steps. If I had to put words to the shift it was telling us that when our guard is up it does not let love in. The minute she let it down Koda felt the shift and was right there to celebrate.
There is no reason why Carol can't enjoy play and Joe can't enjoy having boundaries. They will even look back with gratitude once these newly exposed barriers have been crossed, not only because it will be liberating but because they will be able to love more deeply as well as let more love in.
I believe, with my whole heart, that Koda's behavior was an organic reaction to Carol's shift in energy as well as to the fact that Carol had traveled 90 minutes to meet Koda in person. I believe that animals and children respond to energy by showing us what is truly going on. At any rate, it was a very cool and magical experience. And we all emerged as more because of it--more loving, more understanding and more grateful.
Koda is not present at all sessions. It would be too much for him and can sometimes be too much for the client. He has regular hours and a session with Koda can be requested.
As always, hope you can draw from this!
Warmly,
Dr. T
Such insight into crossing boundaries and a different perspective from always having to keep up the boundaries (aka walls). And yes Koda knew exactly what was going on!!